28th October 2017
Sometimes I wonder if one actually chooses how their lives would go or that somehow, someway, their lives have been planned out for them in the first place.
Graduating from high school in 1986, I was very sure I am destined for bigger things: pre-med studies, then medicine studies, then become a surgical resident, get my fellowship in surgery, and maybe become a diplomat in the field of general surgery. But after four schools and two pre-med programs, I was faced with a decision to quit trying to enter the medical field and just get myself settled into the predictable life of a secretary, which was easily offered to me by someone who trusted me for my skills and abilities.
I always try to be the best in what was offered to me. I worked beyond what was expected of me. And when the school I worked for offered free graduate studies, I grabbed the opportunity and pursued my masters in Education, then doctorate in Education. I even got myself a master thesis grant from New York, USA. I almost got my doctorate degree but then something came up and I had to resign and be employed elsewhere.
At this new school I transferred to, I had the chance to be an officer. That's when I knew I was not cut out to be on the limelight but on the sidelines. Many see me as a good leader. Maybe. But not in a structured environment, I guess. I headed several committees and I think I was successful in them, making non-writers write, and passive co-workers involved in activities they never thought they would get themselves into. In a way, I would like to think I am better making leaders out of followers than becoming a leader myself. So, after a semester of handling the Student Affairs Office, I quit.
Then, I had the chance to teach students. Twice. First, one was in a school of students who belong to the privileged class of society (or at least have the means to pay the tuition fees on time). The other was in a school of the underprivileged - students who are working to send themselves to school or are in school out of the generosity of their employers. Again, many see me as a good teacher. Maybe. But teaching the latter group made me quit. I was heartbroken every month because every month I have students dropping out. They drop out because they cannot afford to go to school anymore - either they are financially hard-up, lack the time and energy because they are working full-time doing manual/labor jobs, or simply because people who promised to help them broke their promises.
Then I landed on a job which allowed me to use my education and skills. I thought I would stay there forever as I really like what I was doing and I like the community. But opportunity for me to go abroad and try a life abroad came so I had to quit again. Living and working outside my country is a dream for me as traveling by plane and being in a foreign/unknown land excites me. But somehow, after 6 months, I found myself back in my country and working for the same institution. Friends say I was lucky to be taken in. Yes, I was. And while working in that institution, management transferred me from one office to another. The last position was so stressful that I had to quit once more.
Someone told me it is just my mindset, but I really think that the last job I held was not for me. Too much multi-tasking, which I cannot keep a tab on. I know I could probably "get the hang of it" if I tried really hard, but I was not happy. Worse, I was no longer enjoying my job. I was stressed and if I did not have a good grip on myself, I would be depressed too. Plus, I was not challenged for the first time in all my working life. So, again, I quit with a decision to not re-apply in that institution for any position no matter how appealing it looked to me. I am just grateful to them for their belief in me, for giving me the opportunity to grow personally and professionally. But, I guess, that was the end of the line for me and this beloved school.
I am exactly 1 month and 1 week jobless now. And surprisingly, I have been sick twice already. Consolation: I still have my friends and boyfriend whom I can reply on. Just today, one friend texted "If there is anything you need help on, do not hesitate to ask. It is no bother, really." But I guess I am the kind of person who is most willing to help but is always hesitant to ask for help.
And speaking of boyfriend, at aged 47, I was surprised to find myself in a romantic relationship. All these years, I am resigned to live a solitary life. Actually, I have mapped out that life already: when my parents are gone and I find myself alone, I will do volunteer or mission work. I would ask to be assigned to far-flung places - the more remote, the better. And though I know it is not a way to prepare for retirement, I am confident that I will survive retirement. And come the time I will be old and sickly, I know that I will find a kind soul to help me transition from this world to the next, and with my parents and the Big Boss Upstairs will be there through it all, to help and guide me, and to welcome me “home”.
Well, that entire plan is now kaput. I found myself drawn to this stranger more and more as we communicate every day. And during the very short time we were together, I was convinced that maybe some parts of our lives were pre-planned after all. I always refer to my meeting him as an "accident", but he may be right - there are no accidents but instances designed by the Great Master of Life. Maybe. Because falling in love was never in my plans in the first place.
Well, I am still hanging on by a thread to my old life - I am still trying to think how I can find work before my buffer fund runs out, how I can earn that much so I can afford plane tickets and visit my brother or my boyfriend and his family who are abroad, and how I can do my bucket list and still prepare for retirement. But, deep inside, I hear this voice which tells me: "Don't plan ahead too much because another life is intended for you to live."
So, now I try to play it by ear and while doing so, I pray hard. I just hope that when that life, which was intended for me to live, comes, I would have enough courage to choose to live it.